I have failed…ME Wednesday, May 23 2012 

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Lost in the past…Lost in memories…Lost in what WAS…

Lost…

I have taken my eyes off of the goal…

I have forgotten the journey that brought me here…

The journey that brought me from the person I once was…

The journey to the person I have worked so hard to be…

The pain…

The pain I felt then….The pain I feel now…The pain caused to others…The pain is the same…

The pain caused by the person I used to be…

There’s a reason I left that person behind…

Weak….Afraid….Broken….

I have failed….ME

Trying to fix everything around me….

I have taken the reigns from Christ….

I cannot look backwards…

The past is gone…all that’s left is now…

I must focus, not on what once was…

I must focus on what is…

Not the then….

But the now….

I cannot retrace my steps…

I must make new ones…

I cannot pick up where the past left off…

The past is broken…

Reconstruction is not possible…

Only new construction is….

It starts now…

It’s a new day…

Time to reflect…

Time to find me again…

The me I have become…

Strong…Courageous…Whole in Him…

The realization…

Remembering where I am….is not where others may be…yet, the respect must be the same…

I am better than I used to be…

I am remembering the journey…

The journey continues…

Mistakes made…

Are lessons learned…

My eyes are back on the goal…

Found….

Found in the now….found in making new memories…found in what IS…

~Bek~

21 Days… Tuesday, Apr 19 2011 

March 28, 2011 – April 17, 2011

21 Days of fasting.  21 days of prayer.  21 days of self-discovery.

What began as a journey for the church family, became a journey that tested my faith, and led me to a destination of self-discovery.

My pastor asked that we write our prayers, the ones we most desired to seek answers for, on our hearts.

March 28th my fast began.  It began with “break” week.

Break to destroy the completeness of; to force one’s way out of; to put an end to; to become fractured or broken; to stop abruptly; to yield or submit to.

I, first, had to break down MY will, so that I could seek after HIS will.

I began to pray, “God you know what my will is.  You know what I hope for and what I desire, but my will matters NOTHING compared to YOUR will.  God, I seek YOUR will.”

As I began to break down, I also began to break in.  I had to allow myself to be adapted for HIS purpose…HIS will.  I had to become broken of all of me, so I could focus on HIM.

When I allowed myself to break in, it became possible for me to break out.  This means that I was “ready for action.”  I was ready for GOD to move in, as my flesh moved aside.

April 4th started “bring” week.

Bring – to carry to another place; to get the attention of.

I began to bring forward everything that I had written on my heart.  I began to present to GOD all of my concerns and all of the situations that have been burdening my heart.

I began to bring forth my prayers….prayers not for myself….but prayers for three people who I have had a burden for since the end of 2010.

During this week, the sacrifices that I chose began to take a toll on my body.  I started questioning, “Why am I even doing this?  Will anything even come out of this?”

My Faith had become tested.

When we fast, we exercise our faith.  Fasting strengthens and deepens our faith.

Fasting requires Faith.

Fasting is a test of faith.  Faith helps us take that step towards something that we cannot see.  At the end of the fast, maybe only one prayer will be answered; maybe none.

Even still, by Faith we believe.  By Faith, we sacrifice.  By Faith, we trust.

On April 10th, my Faith was strengthened.  One of my prayers had been answered.

The perfect example of Faith, in my life, was able to regain strength and share a seat next to her husband during the morning service.

To some, that may seem like nothing, but to me that was everything.  If no other prayer would be answered, the 14 days that I had already sacrificed was indeed worth it.

This lady of Christ, who has had EVERY opportunity to lose her Faith, has instead chosen to HOLD ON to it….through EVERY storm.

It was as if GOD was reminding me….

2 Corinthians 12:9 ~ My grace is sufficient for thee:  for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:10 ~ for when I am weak, then am I strong.

It was then and there that I decided, though I cannot see the end….I do not know that I will see any other prayers answered…..but I will continue…..I will complete this sacrifice.

April 10th began “break forth” week.

This was the week that all the prayers that had been brought forth, and all that had been sacrificed would stand revealed.

I began to thank HIM, to praise HIM, to glorify HIM for all HE had done, and all HE will continue to do.

Although my prayers were not for myself, through my sacrifice, things in my life, that I have struggled with, have begun to break.

Because these things have begun to break, I have discovered a new truth and a new acceptance of myself.

For years, I have lived with insecurities.

These insecurities have caused me to lose out on things that I truly desired.

These insecurities have caused pain.

 These insecurities have caused me to miss out on opportunities.

I have come to accept the fact that I am not perfect; BUT I am created in the image of GOD who is PERFECT.

GOD makes no mistakes.  I was created the person I am for a reason.

It does not matter what others think of me.

I am who I am.  I live how I live.  I love who I love. I pray how I pray.

They have not walked in my shoes.

It does not matter if I have been in love and lost.

To have been in love and to have lost is better than to have never truly been in love at all.

It does not matter what I choose to do.

It does not matter who or what I choose to become.

I am not perfect.  I am just me.

I am GOD’s creation.  HE loves me for me.

“I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden I am unaware  of these afflictions,

eclipsed by glory and I realize how beautiful You are

and how Your affections are for me.”

The chains of insecurities, surrounding my life, are broken.

New doors, in my life, have begun to open.

I am being remade.

Is not this the fast that I have chosen?  to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke? ~ Isaiah 58:6

Though these 21 days are gone, I will continue to cleave to Faith. I will continue to pray.

I will continue to trust in HIM.

“If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice,
I hold onto what is true, though I cannot see.
If the storms of life they come, and the road ahead
gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe.”

BREAK.  BRING.  BREAK FORTH.

 21 days of sacrifice.

One prayer answered.

Worth it all.

~Bek~

The Adjustment Bureau Thursday, Mar 17 2011 

The other night, I went to see The Adjustment Bureau starring Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.  I must say, I was enthralled — mostly because it really got me thinking.  If you are unaware of what this film is about, I have included the plot summary to get you up-to-date:


“Do we control our destiny, or do unseen forces manipulate us? Matt Damon stars in the thriller The Adjustment Bureau as a man who glimpses the future Fate has planned for him and realizes he wants something else. To get it, he must pursue the only woman he’s ever loved across, under and through the streets of modern-day New York. On the brink of winning a seat in the U.S. Senate, ambitious politician David Norris (Damon) meets beautiful contemporary ballet dancer Elise Sellas (Emily Blunt)-a woman like none he’s ever known. But just as he realizes he’s falling for her, mysterious men conspire to keep the two apart. David learns he is up against the agents of Fate itself-the men of The Adjustment Bureau-who will do everything in their considerable power to prevent David and Elise from being together. In the face of overwhelming odds, he must either let her go and accept a predetermined path…or risk everything to defy Fate and be with her.”


I found it to be a great movie…one that kept me guessing and hoping throughout the whole movie.  Yet, it wasn’t the actual film that fascinated me; it was the underlying messages that really “hit home with me.”  I will do my best to explain….


The theme from the movie:

“If you believe in free will…..If you believe in chance….If you believe in choice…..FIGHT FOR IT!!”


Each and every one of us has a destiny.  Each and every one of us has a path.  Each and every one of us must make choices —We make choices each and every day that affect our path, our journey, our destination.  Maybe it’s choices in our relationships.  Maybe it’s choices of our salvation.  Maybe it’s choices within ourselves.


WE ARE OUR OWN ADJUSTMENT BUREAU!!!


Some people believe that every choice we make will directly affect someone else’s life.  While that is somewhat true,  we must also realize that the other person also makes their own choices.  For instance,  in the movie, Matt Damon’s character begins thinking that if he chooses to stay with her, he will ruin her life and her dreams.  But in the end, it all comes down to a choice — not only a choice that he must make, but a choice that she must make as well — a choice to follow their hearts, or leave their hearts behind.


You see, even if your choices affect others, in the end it is THEIR choices that inevitably change their own life, their own path, their own destination.  We sometimes make our choices based on guilt, based on fear, based on others’ opinions or feelings.  However, as this film pointed out, if you do not follow your heart and what you truly desire for your life, there will always be a void within you.


“If you limit your choices, only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise.” – Robert Frtiz


I discussed this topic with my dear friend, Holly.  What she had to say, I could not have even attempted to say it any better.  These are  her words, true words of wisdom:

“Humans like to say, ‘All things happen for a reason, God has my life laid out before me, so my destiny is completely in His hands.’  While God does have a plan for our lives, He gave us free will.  Therefore, we are free to make our own decisions, and as a result we tend to alter God’s plan for our lives.  Some shatter the God-vision for their lives, while others simply forge their own path in working toward God’s plan for them — proving still, while God has His hands on our lives, we are still the adjusters of our own path and destiny.”


It’s so easy to just drift through life, to go with the flow, and to just settle for what’s in front of us…. rather than seek what we truly want, stepping out into the unknown, and following after God’s plan for our lives.


Remember…. No one controls your life, but YOU!!


You are your own adjustment bureau.


Life is change.  Growth is optional.  Choose wisely.


~Bek & Holly~

Are you living or just existing? Tuesday, Mar 1 2011 

Each day we awake….we open our eyes….we breathe…

We awake with a choice….

A choice to exist…..or a choice to live….

What’s the difference?

To exist is to have life….

To live is to be alive….

Life is the general or universal condition of human existance….

But to be alive….to be alive is to have the quality of life…..to abound…

I don’t want to wake each day to the same routine…

I want to make each day truly matter….

To live like each day is my last…

I refuse to settle.

I think back to the three amazing women I had the priviledge to spend Christmas with….

One showed me that even through heartache….unconditional love exists…

Another showed me that acceptance isn’t everything….but to be true to yourself and to God is what completely matters…

The third showed me that come what may….through pain and fear….I can find strength….I can find courage….I can hold on to hope and faith…

I began on a journey this year….

a journey to chase after my rainbow….

At the end of 2010 I grasped that rainbow….

Though I am fighting the storm coming against me….

I am holding on…

Because I don’t want to just exist…

I want to live like I were dying….

To live my life to the fullest…

To take it all in…

To be happy…

To love…

TO BE ALIVE!!!

Will you choose to exist or to live?  Will you choose to have life or to be alive?

I Hope You Dance

~Bek~

“To get to the rainbow, you have to get through the rain.” Monday, Jan 10 2011 

Each day, I usually post one facebook status.  It always pertains to something that is occurring in my life…my thoughts…my feelings…or what I believe could “hit home” with someone else.  I do not anticipate my statuses to be read by many, nor do I expect them to be this life-changing message.  Most are not my own, but all correlate with me and my life.

Earlier this week, I posted a quote that I read somewhere.  It said:  “To get to the rainbow, you have to get through the rain.”

I do not know the dictator of this quote.  I do not know the mindset, nor the situation that this person may have been in, when this statement was quoted.  What I do know is what went through my mind, when I read it.

2010, for me, was a life-changing year.  The life I had been living for almost six years, was no longer existent.  Everything that I had known….Everything that I had become….Everything that I tried to make the best of through the struggles, fake smiles, and the little hope that was left in that life.  Thoughts of what ifs and regrets.  Worried that I would never make it on my own.  Worried that I would never find myself again, in a whole new world….a new life that was about to begin for me.  The stress of the change overwhelmed my mind and my body.  Struggling with major change in my home and life…..struggling with a tough semester of college….struggling with feelings of uncertainty….and struggling with not knowing how to find ME!!

I am 25 years old and I have been a legal adult for quite some time now.  I had made decisions and choices that were, what I thought at that time, hard.  But it wasn’t until I was faced with the “disassembling” of my life that I truly understood how hard adulthood, and the seriousness of the choices I would be forced to make, can be.  I had tried everything I could to KNOW the answers BEFORE making these decisions.  I did not want to be faced with uncertainty.  I wanted to know what my outcome would be.  I was wrong!!

Our lives are not meant to be lived on OUR terms.  They are meant to be lived on GOD’s terms!!  It was a life that I had chosen to live, but was now a life that I was completely unfamiliar with. My life had become just something that I woke up every morning to, knowing the routine I had to complete just to get through the each day.  I will never know why I began a journey just to watch it end.  Only MY GOD does.  He has a plan and a purpose in every person’s life.  Though we may never understand, we have to hold on to the knowledge that GOD is in control.  We just have to completely SURRENDER ourselves to HIM.  Once I realized that, I fell on my knees and cried out to Him.  I prayed that He would clear my mind from all the fear, all the uncertainty, all the what ifs that would be confronting me in this new chapter of my life.  I prayed for strength and determination.  I prayed that I would, again, find me….not just the me that I once was….but the me that wants more of HIM.  In that moment of tears, of prayers, of renewing my relationship with my Heavenly Father….I began to grow.

His Word says that He will never put more on us than we can bear.  I held on, and am still holding on to that Truth!!  I cannot see the destination that He has for me, but  I have begun my journey, into my new life, with my hand holding on tight to Christ’s.  I no longer want to try and make my life what I want it to be.  I only want God’s will in my life.  I want to follow Him and allow Him to lead me.  His plan, His purpose, is greater than anything that I could ever make for myself.  It is in Him where I find my strength, my hope, my faith; in Him is where I will find MYSELF!!

In 2010, my change…my new life…my journey began.  I have no regrets of the past.  It has helped me become who I am today.

I made it through the rain…..

At the end of 2010, I had the privilege of spending time with three of the most amazing women I know.  Each of these women, in one way or another, have suffered through pain, fear, acceptance, and heartache.  After the small amount of time I was able to share with them, listening to their stories, becoming immersed in their emotions, and witnessing their sweet spirits, filled with the presence of GOD…..I realized that through their pain, they gained strength; through their fear, they gained courage; through their struggle with acceptance, they held on to faith in what they could not see, and became true to themselves; and through their heartache, they truly learned to LOVE.

Their examples….their faith….their trust in GOD…..their lives……THEIR rainbows….    Those things and more, inspired and motivated my desire to be true to ME and follow after God….. and HIS plan for my life……

I closed a chapter of my life in 2010.  My new chapter…my “reconstruction” has begun in 2011.

…..I am chasing after my rainbow

~Bek~

 

2010’s song for my life….