No matter the outcome Tuesday, Oct 9 2012 


Words left unsaid. Chances not taken. Opportunities missed. Questions left unanswered.

That was who I was and how I lived. Afraid. Afraid of the what-ifs. Afraid of the rejections. Afraid of hurting and being hurt. Afraid.

I stepped back… I reevaluated my life, realizing that I could no longer live my life full of fear of the what-ifs. I have to live, reaching for the possibilities of what ‘could be,’ not the regrets of never knowing ‘what could have been.’

“While you’re standing there trying to decide whether or not to get the net, the butterfly is flying away.”

I may be too late. I may miss out. But, at least, I know that I tried. At least, I took a chance, no matter the outcome.

Don’t live in fear. Live in hope. Hope of new possibilities. Hope of dreams come true. Hope of the life you’ve been searching for. Hope in the unknown…..

“At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.”

“To get to the rainbow, you have to get through the rain.” Monday, Jan 10 2011 

Each day, I usually post one facebook status.  It always pertains to something that is occurring in my life…my thoughts…my feelings…or what I believe could “hit home” with someone else.  I do not anticipate my statuses to be read by many, nor do I expect them to be this life-changing message.  Most are not my own, but all correlate with me and my life.

Earlier this week, I posted a quote that I read somewhere.  It said:  “To get to the rainbow, you have to get through the rain.”

I do not know the dictator of this quote.  I do not know the mindset, nor the situation that this person may have been in, when this statement was quoted.  What I do know is what went through my mind, when I read it.

2010, for me, was a life-changing year.  The life I had been living for almost six years, was no longer existent.  Everything that I had known….Everything that I had become….Everything that I tried to make the best of through the struggles, fake smiles, and the little hope that was left in that life.  Thoughts of what ifs and regrets.  Worried that I would never make it on my own.  Worried that I would never find myself again, in a whole new world….a new life that was about to begin for me.  The stress of the change overwhelmed my mind and my body.  Struggling with major change in my home and life…..struggling with a tough semester of college….struggling with feelings of uncertainty….and struggling with not knowing how to find ME!!

I am 25 years old and I have been a legal adult for quite some time now.  I had made decisions and choices that were, what I thought at that time, hard.  But it wasn’t until I was faced with the “disassembling” of my life that I truly understood how hard adulthood, and the seriousness of the choices I would be forced to make, can be.  I had tried everything I could to KNOW the answers BEFORE making these decisions.  I did not want to be faced with uncertainty.  I wanted to know what my outcome would be.  I was wrong!!

Our lives are not meant to be lived on OUR terms.  They are meant to be lived on GOD’s terms!!  It was a life that I had chosen to live, but was now a life that I was completely unfamiliar with. My life had become just something that I woke up every morning to, knowing the routine I had to complete just to get through the each day.  I will never know why I began a journey just to watch it end.  Only MY GOD does.  He has a plan and a purpose in every person’s life.  Though we may never understand, we have to hold on to the knowledge that GOD is in control.  We just have to completely SURRENDER ourselves to HIM.  Once I realized that, I fell on my knees and cried out to Him.  I prayed that He would clear my mind from all the fear, all the uncertainty, all the what ifs that would be confronting me in this new chapter of my life.  I prayed for strength and determination.  I prayed that I would, again, find me….not just the me that I once was….but the me that wants more of HIM.  In that moment of tears, of prayers, of renewing my relationship with my Heavenly Father….I began to grow.

His Word says that He will never put more on us than we can bear.  I held on, and am still holding on to that Truth!!  I cannot see the destination that He has for me, but  I have begun my journey, into my new life, with my hand holding on tight to Christ’s.  I no longer want to try and make my life what I want it to be.  I only want God’s will in my life.  I want to follow Him and allow Him to lead me.  His plan, His purpose, is greater than anything that I could ever make for myself.  It is in Him where I find my strength, my hope, my faith; in Him is where I will find MYSELF!!

In 2010, my change…my new life…my journey began.  I have no regrets of the past.  It has helped me become who I am today.

I made it through the rain…..

At the end of 2010, I had the privilege of spending time with three of the most amazing women I know.  Each of these women, in one way or another, have suffered through pain, fear, acceptance, and heartache.  After the small amount of time I was able to share with them, listening to their stories, becoming immersed in their emotions, and witnessing their sweet spirits, filled with the presence of GOD…..I realized that through their pain, they gained strength; through their fear, they gained courage; through their struggle with acceptance, they held on to faith in what they could not see, and became true to themselves; and through their heartache, they truly learned to LOVE.

Their examples….their faith….their trust in GOD…..their lives……THEIR rainbows….    Those things and more, inspired and motivated my desire to be true to ME and follow after God….. and HIS plan for my life……

I closed a chapter of my life in 2010.  My new chapter…my “reconstruction” has begun in 2011.

…..I am chasing after my rainbow

~Bek~

 

2010’s song for my life….

 

The Uncertainties of Life Monday, Jan 10 2011 

A friend asked if I had made any New Years resolutions…to which, of course, I replied, “No.”  I haven’t made resolutions in quite a while.  (I have never really believed in them, because you don’t just change the way you are at the stroke of midnight.)  She then asked me what was the one thing that I would choose if I had to.  It really hit me.  What I want this year is to be completely true to myself and to who I am.  I no longer want to worry about how others perceive me.  I am an honest person, but I want to be a more open person to those I love and to those that I truly care about.  I have a problem sharing things vocally at times, usually worried that I will say the wrong things, or worried that I cannot accurately express myself.  I’m tired of living with regrets because of the things I have chosen not to say and/or do.  I do not know what lies ahead of me and this change in my outlook…and my desire to have more self-confidence in this new year.  It will be a challenge…but I will achieve it.

All this triggered my thought process…about change…uncertainties…and regrets.  Who is to know what the future holds?  Who is to know where each step we take will lead us?  But what opportunities will we miss out on if we do not choose to take those steps toward our future?

Life is full  of uncertainties – doubt, hesitancy, indeterminacy, unpredictability, indefiniteness.  We ask ourselves, “what if?”….   What if things never change?  What if they do and it is the wrong decision?  What if I regret taking a chance on something?  What if I don’t take that chance, will I regret never taking it? ….  What if!?  We can ask ourselves that question all day long, but if we wait to do everything until we know for sure that things are right, or certain, then we will never do much of anything.  We have to make choices, take chances, and at times make changes, in order to survive this crazy thing called life.  Uncertainty – worry, skepticism, concern, confusion, indecision.  What if!? …  If – a supposition; an uncertainty.  Asking the question, “what if,” will either make us step back and reevaluate, or make us lose out on greater possibilities.  How will we ever know what the future holds by always stopping and asking ourselves “what if”?  Life is full of regrets…but it’s not the things you do that you regret, it’s the things that you don’t do and wish you had that you regret the most.  No choice, chance, or change in life is ever perfect.  That is what makes life – our existence – so hard at times.  Our uncertainties can either develop us or damage us.  Change can be consumed with fear…fear of heartache or regret.  We have to stop and ask ourselves, what will we lose in this change; but we must also ask ourselves, is this fear of change really worth losing the possibility of gaining something greater?  Choice – selection; chance – possibility, or favorable opportunity; change – to transform, or to pass gradually into.  We cannot predict the future.  We cannot determine what will happen next in life.  All we can do is take baby steps into the next window of opportunity.  Though there are always consequences to every decision made, live in the moment and choose what will make you happy.  Growth does not happen without change.  Change does not happen without fear, pain, or loss.  Without pain, we have no growth.  Every decision can be made without regrets as long as you are able, in the end, to look in the mirror with a smile on your face and say, “life has its uncertainties and its what if’s, but I am determined to live it, knowing that I opened the door of change for greater possibilities.”  Life is full of uncertainties – we can either let them control us, or we can overcome them…we all have a choice…

I, for one, no longer want to live in fear of change and the things that I desire.  I am holding on to faith — the belief in what I cannot see, prove, or touch.  I am choosing to run, FULL-SPEED, into the unknown.

“Sometimes those things that scare us the most are also the ones that have the potential to make us the happiest.”

From this point on…I will learn to care less about what others think of me…and focus more on who I am…the person I am becoming…and my happiness.  I will surround myself with people who know that I make mistakes and still love me anyway.  I will always strive to do my best for others, but I am not perfect.

Take me as I am….or watch me as I go.

~Bek~